


All We See is Light

by SolitaireCoffee



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempt at Humor, Connor Murphy or how I like to call him My Empty Shell for character development, Evan and Zoe break up for Reasons, Ghosts, I ship Evan with masturbation now, I'm so sorry guys, I... should write about that in the future oh my, Let the Murphys have an Evan kink, M/M, Masturbation, Screw Evan having a Murphy Kink, Smut, Yeah basically Connor but as a ghost, a tad of angst, i keep squeezing lyrics of the songs into fic names and that's so lame but i won't stop anytime soon, this was plotless and then WOW the plot just ambushed me in an ally, you guys should stop me because this kind of work shouldn't see light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 08:35:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10715946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolitaireCoffee/pseuds/SolitaireCoffee
Summary: Connor's back in ghost form. Evan and him grow close. Perhaps too close.





	All We See is Light

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language.
> 
> (also i think i may below the rank to mature? maybe explicit is too much? you tell me),

"I just can't believe you keep doing this. Are you a fucking idiot?" Connor said, though his voice wasn't really upset, just annoyed. 

Evan looked at him nervously. Connor's ghost was sitting in his bed, his shiny translucent figure sticking out in the room, his eyes piercing him. 

"I just... I know okay. But I don't know, Alana and I already got the project started... Maybe if you would have appeared sooner?"

Connor chuckled. "Please. I don't even like trees that much, Hansen! And besides, your stupid lie is what got you into this mess in the first place. Like... what the fuck, dude?" Connor smirked, crossing his arms. 

"I'm... I'm so sorry Connor." 

Evan was looking quite pathetic in Connor's eyes. The boy seemed about to cry, he looked so remorseful that Connor could only take pity of the guy. He ignored the ghost feeling (ha) of a heart bumping in his chest, since that was only a psychological reaction, he didn't have a pulse now. 

"I'm not mad at you.... I didn't think you would take so literally the "now we can both pretend that we have friends" line though." Evan hid his blushed face in his hands. "Don't you think you overstepped the line?" 

"I... I know for a fact I did Connor, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so-"

"Hey... hey, it's okay," he said. Connor got close to Evan, leaning to him, his hand supporting his body on the bed.  

Evan didn't make anymore sounds, but he curled himself more in his bed. Connor bit his lower lip, thinking in what to say, because the boy looked so sad, he just couldn't stand it. He crouched next to his bed, trying to get a look at Evan's face. 

"Hey... is everything okay? Did you have a fight with my sister? Which, by the way, if you hurt I'm going to come back corporeal just to kill you."

Evan laughed, raising his head to watch Connor again. The easy smile in his face gave Evan hope.

"No... it's all okay. I just... I really feel bad about all this."

"Then you could stop it."

"No, you don't understand, people... people would think... and..."

Connor sighed and Evan stood quiet. Connor sat beside him, and Evan tried to give him space only to remember all the times Connor passed through him to scare him. It didn't feel particularly painful but it was spine-chilling, so maybe it was a good thing to give Connor a side. 

Connor seemed thoughtful. He swallowed, and Evan was fixated by the way his adam's apple went up and down. His cheeks flushed at his action. He tried to look to some other place but Connor's face, he really tried, but his eyes always went back at him. 

"Being dead is funny," Connor confessed, and Evan wasn't sure how to react. 

It was true though. Connor felt weird, but in a liberating form. He didn't feel angry or sad... or much, anymore. His only feelings were a fleeting pull in his stomach every time Evan smiled around him, which didn't happen enough since he could tell Evan was still scared of him. At the same time, being in this state really made him regret his suicide, if only because this... numbness wasn't really different than what he felt before, sometimes, with the difference that when he was alive, he could use drugs and masturbate. He supposed that that was the point, being a ghost was some sort of punishment for his suicide, or something super fucked up like that. 

He really didn't think much about it, mostly because he was amused by Evan's lie and the troubles it brought to the boy. He was sure that he would be pretty pissed if he were to be alive, but he is not, and the whole thing really amuses him. 

But also,

he knew for a fact that while mad... he would also be a bit content with someone being so ready to lie about a friendship. The fabricated story was endearing (and... gay, but he didn't want to have that conversation with Evan), and he kinda liked the idea of being redeemed. He didn't like the way he was being redeemed, and the fabricated stories were just like that, plastic, but the concern was there and he could appreciate it in an abstract form. 

He looked at Evan again, who was blushing and breathing hard and whose eyes were staring at his lips and he felt his breath cutting, even though he didn't need to breathe. 

They stared at each other for a really long time. 

Connor disappeared, and Evan's heart broke a bit. 

 

 

It was weird, indeed, being so dumbstruck by Evan. He hoped he wasn't coming too hard, though it was telling that he was spending his dead time around Evan instead of with his family. But he didn't have the mental strength to see his family again, and Evan did deserve the jump scare. His face when he thought Connor was back from the death just to call him out on his bullshit was heavenly. 

But that's so,

Evan was sweet, in a way he never thought of another man before, and it was a bit scaring, because there wasn't much he could do at this state, and god, the things he wanted to do to Evan... 

Well, it didn't matter. He was dead and Evan was (had always been) in love with his sister. 

 

 

It doesn't stop him from watching him a bit too much, a bit too aggressivee. Or even completely disappearing to Even's view to spy on an Evan who didn't struggle with peer pressure. He was as careful and shy moving alone, but it did help a bit and it was a new way to see him. It was actually endearing that Evan trusted in him when he said that he was always going to be visible around him.

Hey, two can lie.

He tried to be sensitive about it though. He didn't stay if Evan needs _private_ time, even though he aches to see it.

But if he stay a bit more than needed to watch him undress, well, that's not something people needs to know.   

 

 

Evan felt so distressed about the whole thing. On one hand, Connor seemed upset with him but not really. Evan wasn't sure what to think of it. Was he upset about the lie but not about him working for people to remember him? Was he not upset about the lie but upset because Evan practically lived in his house by now? 

He didn't know what to think. 

And while he was scared of Connor, a lot, it was weird how attracted to him he had became with the pass of the weeks. Connor's constant presence was reassuring in a way he never expected a ghost (or Connor Murphy) to be. 

He didn't know what to think of that either. 

 

 

It also occurred to him that fantasizing with a boy who is death and which ghost came back to haunt you while dating the sister of said boy was pretty fucked up, but he was used to do fucked up things by now, and why should he stop now? It's not like he and Connor could really be something, that was just ridiculous. 

Though thinking in the logistic was interesting. 

 

 

 Evan came to his room upset by something, and while Connor tried to calm him down, it was all futile in the end. 

"Fine! If you're going to be such a baby about it, be my fucking guess!"

"You don't understand!"

"Then tell me, it's not like I have anything better to do!!"

"You could just leave!!" 

Evan looked regretful the moment the words left his mouth, and Connor wasn't sure how to react. He didn't leave. He just stared at Evan with dead looking eyes. 

They both stood in the middle of Evan's bedroom, not looking at each other. The air was heavy, the tension palpable in the air, and neither knew how to break it. In the end, Evan did it. 

"... I'm, I'm sorry it's just..." Evan sighed deeply. Connor knew better than to correct his apologizing (he didn't need to apologize, Evan was right, Connor was practically living in his room without his permission, and that wasn't really nice). "Zoe broke up with me." 

Connor blinked. "Really?"

"Yeah..."

Well. Connor couldn't really say he was unprepared for this kind of news, Evan wasn't Zoe's type. But he was disappointed. Zoe looked really happy with Evan, and Evan practically beamed at her sight; so it was coming as a surprise.

"Why... why did she broke up with you? Did she tell you?" 

Evan ran his hand through his short hair, before settling with playing with the hem of his shirt while trying to look at Connor at the eyes. Connor's void expression wasn't helping. 

"She... she told me that she was tired... that she was tired of everything in her life being about... you." If Connor didn't see Evan mouthing "you" he wouldn't have got it, since Evan whispered it. 

Connor just inclined his head slightly, letting Evan keep going.

"She... said I was too focused on your project. And that I was too... focused on you." Evan looked at the ground, kept playing with the hem of his shirt.

Connor laughed, trying to muffle his laughs with his fist but no succeeding. 

"That fucking sucks man, like... that's the saddest fucking thing I've ever hear, now for real."

Evan laughed, albeit bitterly, along Connor. He couldn't be mad with the guy in front of him, not after all he'd done, and how Connor had been relatively cool about the whole thing. 

"I'm sorry though," Connor added. 

Evan glanced up, confused. "Why are you sorry?" 

Connor clicked his tongue. "Well... I don't know. She... didn't like being step aside... and I'm kinda not letting you go."

"That's..." Evan shaked his head, freeing his hand to gesture at himself. "It's my fault though."

"Yeah, it kinda is." 

They both laugh now. Connor added, "But it is my fault too, so are we even, Evan?"

Evan shaked his head again, a smile in his lips. 

"So that means you're single now?"

"What?!"

"Nothing."

 

 

Evan did try to get again with Zoe but it didn't turn out well. But, there was something bothering him, and it was that he didn't feel as sad as he thought it would. Sure, he cried, a lot. 

But... there was something. 

The fact that Connor gave him his space to cry and never made fun to him -even when Evan was sure he was around-, Connor's little pep talks, Connor's presence. It was all very real, very there, and it made him feel giddy and happy and... 

And he wanted to spent more time with Connor. He still spent some time with the Murphys, even when it wasn't the same, and he was getting in the hype of those stupid emails being released to the public. Connor mocked of him -but i was lightly, like friends would-.

It was so... Good. 

 

 

They were just talking, sitting on Evan's bed, Evan feeling down for his mother not being around that night. Connor was never really good at making people feel safe, but if being dead taught him something was to be quiet, and he could listen to Evan the whole day. His eyes were sometimes distracted by Evan's lips, but it was okay because Evan was in the same predicament. 

One of them said something funny and they were laughing, and then there was silence. Connor blinked, and a tiny smile curled his lips. He caressed Evan's cheek, not really touching it since he couldn't, and Evan shivered.

"Fuck," Connor breathed. 

They stared at each other and a realization hit them. Connor disappeared and Evan was left curled in his bed, aching for something unspeakable. 

 

 

Eventually Connor came back. 

And back.

And back. 

Evan liked it, because he liked Connor, a lot. Connor rarely smiled when he was alive, his parents told him so, but he wouldn't know it just by spending time with his ghost. The fact that Connor smiled so much around him awakened something inside his heart he didn't want to explore. 

He couldn't. 

Connor came back once again, looking distressed, and Evan had to put down a book he was reading -recommended by Connor- to see him walking all around his room like something was bothering. 

"Are you... are you okay?"

Connor snorted.

"No." He kept walking around his room in distress, dropping things off shelf -though nothing that it could break- and it was making Evan really nervous. 

"Are you... okay?" Connor just stared at him. "I'm sorry that was a stupid question, I already did it and you told me no and I should've asked something different this time because asking the same thing twice is so annoying and-" He was interrupted by Connor trying to kiss him.

It wasn't actually a kiss, because Evan couldn't feel the pressure of his lips on top of him, but he could feel the chill and dark essence of his ghost. Connor clicked his tongue, and shocked his head. 

"I'm okay, Evan. I'm... I'm okay." 

 

 

"So we're like, _something,_ now?" Evan asked, hopeful. 

"We've been something for a while, I suppose." Connor shrugged.

"My lies don't count on this though."

Connor snorted, and Evan liked when he could make Connor laugh. Connor could almost feel his heart pumping at the sight of Evan's shy smile. 

 

 

"It sucks that we can't... you know. I mean... not that we _have_ to do anything, I can live without anything but it's just, it would be nice to- but we can't because, and- I'm sorry, I'm rambling." 

"Evan... do not worry about it." Connor shrugged, feeling uncomfortable. They were sitting in Evan's bed, and Evan was hugging a pillow to his chest. Connor found it endearing. "... _You_ can though."

"What?" Evan flushed, a confused look on his face, but Connor's shining eyes made the realization sink in Evan's stomach. 

" _You can,_ " Connor repeated, a hopeful look in his face.

Evan swallowed. "That's... I mean that's not... It wouldn't be... And what about you?! I just- I just- I don't know!"

Connor looked a bit disappointed, but he licked his lips and tried to give Evan an understanding look. "It's okay babe, you don't have to do anything." 

Evan melted at Connor's words, and when Connor was standing up to leave, Evan squealed, "Wait!"

"I..." He breathed in. "I don't know, how would... how would it work?" 

Connor beamed at him. "I... I don't really know." He inhaled. "Take off your shirt." 

Evan squealed. He breathed in slowly, trying to calm down, but he could feel himself squirming in his bed. Connor's intense stare wasn't helping. 

"You don't... have to do it if you don't want though," Connor said. He was trying to sound nonchalant, but it come of as disappointed, and he chastised himself for this. He was dying to see Evan like this but not at the expense of using Evan's anxiety against him. "It's okay." 

Evan shaked his head, inclining to give a kiss to where Connor's cheek was supposed to be. Kissing the air was an odd experience, and they didn't really get any physical pleasure of it but for some reason, they couldn't stop pretending they could give each other proofs of affection. Evan wanted nothing more than to kiss Connor for real. Evan wanted nothing more than to be with Connor. And while he pushed the thought of his death off his head, he did realize that he really wanted to do this, no matter how embarrassing it could feel. 

He breathed out, placing the pillow behind him, taking his shirt off as quickly as he could. 

Connor stared at his chest for a long period of time. 

"I know I'm... not that big of a deal but-" Evan tried to hide his body with his arms, but Connor just shook his head, swallowing hard. 

"I... you look good."

"I do?"

"Yeah," Connor breathed, his hands aching to touch him. 

Evan still felt awkward, but also a pleasant feeling was bubbling in his chest. Connor half-lidded eyes looked like he ws actually enjoying the look, for Evan that validation felt like heaven. 

"Touch your nipples." 

Evan's blushed deepened, coloring his ears of red. "That's... awkward I- I think, I think maybe I should-"

"Evan, please." 

He couldn't really say no to that. He pushed himself to the pillow and wet his thumb with his tongue to then caress his own nipple. He swallowed, letting out a small strangled sound. Connor hissed.

Looking at Connor's eyes was making Evan too self-conscious, so he closed them. He stopped touching his nipple and went for his neck, showing it off lightly with the same thumb. He was painfully aware that someone was watching him, and he wanted to give Connor a show but he wasn't entirely sure how to do so. He came back to his nipples, rubbing both at the same time, and Connor's encouraging words were heaven. 

He wasn't sure how much of a show Connor wanted. He wanted to please Connor so badly. He wanted to touch Connor and kiss Connor and fuck Connor so much it was overwhelming. He palmed himself over the clothes, and Connor did a bit of a squeal. 

He opened his eyes, glazed with desire, to watch Connor enthralled by his actions, his eyes fixated in his crotch. 

Evan felt so bothered and hot, he wanted to do something about his arousal and by the looks of Connor, he wanted so too. Evan swallowed, pushing himself up and opening his pants to let his cock run free. 

"Holy fuck," Connor breathed. 

He was sure he wasn't impressive, he was just below average in size, but seeing Connor so happy about watching him, stroke Even in all the right places, and he moaned loudly, his hand squeezing his cock just right.  

He pouted, trying to focus on how to entertain Connor but Connor was enchanted by everything just as it was. Evan closed his eyes, too worked-up for his staring to keep seeing him, and suddenly he felt a chilly air on his cock that throw him toward the edge.

He looked right at Connor's eyes before coming with his name on his lips. 

Their harbored breathing calmed enough for Connor to say, "Fuck, that was nice."

Evan felt to the bed, smiling dearly at Connor. Connor was smiling too, his eyes dark and inviting.

Everything was okay for just that moment. 

 

 

It was no surprise when the whole thing blow-up on Evan's face and his family found out about the truth, but at least, Connor rationalized, people were feeling like they mattered? And that was nice, because feeling like an outcast sucks. So maybe Evan's weird and wrong life choices did bring more good than bad. And while he didn't care that much about the apple orchard all in all more than as distant memory of happier times, it was nice to see people, well, feeling okay? He wasn't sure how to explain it.

It was like his existence mattered to the world. Evan made him matter. 

It was that moment where he felt slowly fading of the world.

 

 

It was nice though, seeing Evan finally accepting himself, and rebuilding his relationship with his mother. And yes, peeking at them was morally wrong, but he was death and he deserved some fun, and he was sure he had already completed his work on this world.

He also lost some of the fear and went to watch at his family. They were doing fine. That was good.

And while he felt sad that they only grow closer after his dead, he couldn't help but feel proud of them. 

 

 

"Evan... I love you," Connor said. They were at the apple orchard, because Connor wanted to see it, and wanted Evan to see it as well.

Evan blushed, and he was about to respond when a flicker of sadness appeared in Connor's eyes, and Evan wasn't sure what to make of that. 

"I have to tell you something."

Evan started to freak out a bit. How lame did he have to be so that a ghost break-up with him. He tried to calm down, but the thought of the two Murphys breaking up with him was seriously making him feel sick. 

"Please don't leave me," he shouted. He looked at Connor heart-broken and with tears in his eyelashes and Connor wanted nothing more than to kiss them away. 

"I... Evan, I don't belong to this world. You know this. I love you, I really love you but-"

"No, it's okay, I understand, you just don't want to be with me anymore, that's fine, it's okay, I understand, it's obvious that you wouldn't stay with me much longer since the beginning." 

Connor sighed. 

"Evan, there is nothing that I want more than to stay. But... I can't. The after-life is calling me. I can feel myself slowly fading, and I'm going to be gone before I realize. I want to say godbye."

"But you don't have to go! You can't just... fight it?" 

Connor chuckled. "That's not how it works."

"But... it doesn't has any sense! Why you were a ghost anyway? And why do you have to go, what changed?"

Connor blinked, wanting to hug him. He put his hands in his pockets instead. 

"You made my memory matter to the world. I won't be forgotten. Thanks, Evan." 

Connor said, "I love you," one more time, before slowly fading away, a big flash of light covering the place where Connor was until he completely disappeared.

Evan cried under a tree until the sunset came in. 

 

 

It didn't occur to him till way much later that he didn't tell him "I love you" back, and he cried a bit more after that, this time in his place. He hoped that Connor knew it. He hoped that he could move on and keep living and not letting this destroy him, because it was the way Connor would've wanted it. 

How good it felt to say that and not being a lie. 

 

 

Connor knew it. But Connor wasn't ready to hear it, because he was scared that he may try to fight his destiny to be with Evan, and that wasn't something constructive to do. He laughed at his choice of words. He went to his finale with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

> this ship is... so fucking angsty. I'm so sorry, I try to make funny things but,,,,,, ugh. 
> 
> I love Only Us (and... Zoe and Evan's relationship in general, though not as you may think) so making Zoe break-up with Evan was a personal loss for me, but I just wanted an easy way to get Evan out of that relationship, because if it weren't the case Connor would have never touched Evan, because he's a jackass who loves his sister, and while this looks serious, this OS started with me wanting to write ghost porn. 
> 
> so yeah i'm a terrible writer i know, say something in the comments, my tumblr is [theawesomefanatic](http://theawesomefanatic.tumblr.com/).


End file.
